Indie Game Lover: Accept the Real Me

July 13, 2019

Accept the Real Me

Because sometimes you have to dig deep and rip open the wounds for the world to see. Here is a thing that is a thing that will be a torturous thing so I suggest pretending to understand this mess of a thing.

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Note: Don’t be afraid this will become a thing that crops up on the site all the time. I may expand/tweak/clean this post with time but most of this stuff will be the in the theme of streaming. I’ll be keeping it mostly to really specific locations and not all over the site. I don't fully know what I am doing or where this is going either.

I understand I may lose some people because of this. What I am about to do is the hardest thing I will ever do in my whole life. It will be messy and tear ridden. I feel like it has to be done. I have a gut feeling I need to break this open. I don’t expect you to fully understand. I also had to speed write this and not think to hard or I wouldn’t do it at all.

I know that on the surface level I do not need you to accept me in order to accept me as Indie Game Lover. You are here for the goods, the games, the inspiration, and the love. Yet, behind all the goods is that core of accepting people, of trying to help others know they aren’t alone, and building a community based on caring principles. However, I don’t let anyone else the chance to accept me in return.

With this small platform and my helping personality I want to try and bring those who want on this journey to bettering ourselves because we want to, while letting others accept us as the mess we are already in case we never get any better. We need to be better at accepting things as they are now so we don’t miss out on life in as a whole.

Does this make sense? #AcceptTheRealMe.

That day I posted the one selfie with bravery and in hopes of helping someone was difficult but people said nice things and I started to feel guilty. It was a “cute selfie” taken at that “social media angle” where I look ok but I know it isn’t the real me. I am fat. I don’t need the sugar coated acceptable words. I am well aware of my issues. I am not fluffy or thick, I am fat.

I struggle with that real me and I have mentioned my depression battles a tiny bit but I also have social anxiety and weight issues. I have fallen victim to the curse that society places on everyone and as such I miss out on chances to do things. I miss out on seeing things. I house myself in as much as possible because I don’t want people to look at me and judge me for my weight.

And then the cycle continues, eat for depression, be depressed for eating. A relentless torture. Eat to hurt myself and feel sick, and then feel depressed for being depressed. I can barely breathe in my own skin due to intense fear of everyone around me. I over think at every step of everything and I don’t believe I should even have anything nice happen to me.

My own current self-value is that of nothing. I have let the world and loads of people break me into submission and break me into thinking that I have zero value, that I am worthless, and that I have no point to being around. That for some reason my weight means I am no longer worthy of being a human being, “you are lucky I like you because good luck finding anyone else who does.” You have no idea the dark plagues that scream in my mind all the time.

Even with Indie Game Lover and the more than full time amount of hours I can spend on things (not counting Oliver’s work as well) I still feel this intense phobia that if someone RTs something, it wasn’t deserved. If someone drops $1 I am not even worthy of that even though the hours never end. Even though I am one of the hardest workers you will ever meet. Even though I can care about everyone else, no one should care about me. The more IGL grows, the more undeserving I feel and the more paranoid I become over being a hidden disappointment.

I know I have turned all the hate into productivity, all those voices and replays in my head have molded me into being helping and caring and a workaholic (instead of turning into an asshole). I wouldn’t change anything that has happened as the shiniest most helpful parts of me fuel off of the torment. However, I am trying to put my foot down now with views of myself. Out of defiance against the battle that is so strong I am entering not only Indie Game Lover 2.0, but also me as a human 2.0.

In the back of my mind I know I have a lot of value. I have a lot of qualities that are rare to find, and even more rare to find together. I am tired of thinking I have to hate myself instead of being proud of all the things I have managed to do and the person I manage to be. I am a good person.

I can’t fix the rest of my problems unless I crack open the root of them. I can’t help others who are struggling like me unless I am willing to talk about it. No it is not easy I have spent a day crying while trying to write this but if I can be some kind of voice because it will help others then I will do it because then it will also help me, which then means I can…help others even better. I am forcing myself to go against every fiber of my soul to do this more in the open in hopes of helping others.

So here is starting me. The real me. The not angled perfectly me. The full embarrassing me.

All I want to do is be honest and let those who want to still stick around stick around based on what is real. And those that want to follow any of the journey can come to The Cringe Factory at Twitch.
I just feel like there is a voice in my head whispering that someone out there needs to see someone like me at the messy start so they can know they have value too. We all do (unless you are cruel to others)-- you are not alone.
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